What is lost

Is hidden close by.

What is found

Was there from the beginning.

~Ryokan

When I ponder the question of how to deal with loss, I always think of the deeply enlightened grandmother who was a student of Zen Master Hakuin. When the granddaughter of the old woman died, she was seen to be weeping profoundly from the depths. Other students and some of the monks were disturbed by this display and protested, “How can you, such a deeply enlightened person, weep so?” The old woman replied, “Fools! Don’t you know that my tears are as helpful to my granddaughter as all of the prayers and chanting?”

Another story goes something like this: Two monks passed by the home of a spiritually developed layman who was wailing at the passing of his wife of many years. The monks silently noted the layman’s grief and continued on their begging rounds through the town. Returning towards the temple a few hours later they passed by the layman’s home again. This time the layman had overturned pots and was banging out a rhythm and singing folk songs at the top of his lungs, all the while with a big grin on his face. The monks were stunned and had to stop. One of the monks interrupted the layman and asked, “How is it that just this morning you were crying loudly over your wife’s death and now here you are lightly singing and laughing?” The layman paused and looked serious for a moment. Finally, he spoke, “Yes when I reflect that I have lost my dear wife and my partner of so many years, I cannot help but be overcome with grief. On the other hand, when I remember that fundamentally my wife’s true nature was never born and can never die, I am overcome with joy.”

So how do we deal with loss? Like everything else in life, to really deal with it, we must enter it fully; we must let go and fall deep. Loss is a great – albeit painful – teacher. In an instant we have impermanence, unpredictability and mystery thrust into our hearts and minds. Our choice is to open to this teaching or to try to hold it down, push it away, or bury it in mindlessness (the opposite of mindfulness). One single loss can elicit an infinite variety of responses from the different persons experiencing it. Attention, compassion, patience and loving-kindness (metta) are required both for oneself and for the others in the circle of bereavement. I often suggest specific loving-kindness practices for bereaved family members that reflect on different aspects and variables of bereavement. Two of these aspects are: (1) different people grieve in different ways and (2) each individual has to grieve within their own inner timetable.

There is a Sufi saying that, “Grief can be the gateway to enlightenment.” If we deeply enter into and through our losses, we may begin to gain glimpses of that which neither comes nor goes – our original face, birthless, deathless and eternal. Our ‘true nature’ that the layman above was pointing to.

As the current wisdom on bereavement would put it, grief work is not about forgetfulness or getting over loss. Our losses get woven into the very fabric of our own becoming. We make a new space in the garden of our heart for the one who is no longer alive. There is new discussion about ‘continuing bonds’ and relationships that continue to unfold after death. This may be ‘new’ to some of us and it might come as a shock to those in the academic community who still think in terms of closure, but ongoing relatedness is something that the most courageous of the bereaved have always known intimately at some level. Until recently, very few people were willing to discuss it. Now there is more open discussion of extraordinary and exceptional experiences around death and dying, just as the NDE (near death experience) was a focus of attention for a number of years.

Although the word ‘closure’ still gets tossed around some, more of us are leaning towards terms like reconciliation or resolution. The relationship does not reach a stage where it is really closed (as in ended), but it may reach a stage where it feels like all unfinished business has been taken care of. The deceased person may still be recalled with great sadness, but the debilitating anguish has eased and the haunting presence of the Ghost of the Unsaid gradually fades from the background.

It may well be that some relationships are so complicated, painful, ambivalent or antagonistic that real healing and forgiveness might be impossible while both of the parties in the relationship are still alive. It is quite alright to talk to the person after they are gone. It is quite alright to offer forgiveness and to ask for forgiveness. And I will take a further leap of faith here and suggest that it is absolutely alright to wait for a response to resound in the depths of your own heart.

If we are on a spiritual path we shouldn’t be too easily taken in by words and concepts, regardless of how much they are generally taken for granted as representing the Real. Life and Death are two of these Big Words whose meaning we all presume to know. But do we really? What is Life? What is Death? Where is the dividing line? Is it not possible that both are states of Being, one manifest and material, and the other immaterial and invisible? And as Zen teacher Roshi Philip Kapleau said, “Even death is impermanent.”

In the end, dealing with loss is not about toughening up or resigning ourselves to the waves of constant change and loss that wash over us. We are reminded of Zen master Dogen’s reply to the question what have you gained from all of your years of painful spiritual struggle? Dogen said simply, “A tender heart.”

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Source: Based on an article entitled “Dealing with Loss” by Brad Hunter, taken from Buddhist Reflections on Death, Dying and Bereavement, compiled and edited by Michael Lewin,published by The Buddhist Hospice Trust.

https://buddhisthospice.org.uk/books/

This is a collection, in book form, of short articles from a range of dharma-practitioners, 21 in all, who “share their thoughts and feelings with us on the issues of death and dying”. It is aimed at anyone who is touched by these issues.

This is not an academic or dogmatic text written only for Buddhists. The universal themes and varied perspectives make this accessible to anyone.

It is inspirational, meditative, practical, personal, and even humorous.

Written from each contributor’s own perspective and personal experience, it is a source of strength and comfort which should reach right to the heart of anyone reading it and be a source of inspiration to anyone touched by death, regardless of their spiritual beliefs.

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Note: For those interested, Brad Hunter has had a therapeutic practice entitled: G.A.T.E. (Grief Awareness and Transformative Engagement). He has conducted workshops for hospice workers and other primary caregivers. He has also produced a tool for grief work and remedy for overwhelm – a copy may be obtained here: https://journeythroughloss.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/GRACE-Grief.pdf

Brad states that the G.R.A.C.E. reflective practice was originally developed by Roshi Joan Halifax of the Upaya Zen Center in Santa Fe, New Mexico. See the following link, entitled “Practing G.R.A.C.E.: How to Bring Compassion into Your Interactions With Others”. Visit:  https://www.upaya.org/2012/09/practicing-g-r-a-c-e-how-to-bring-compassion-into-your-interactions-with-others/

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